[Rating: Rock Fist Way Down]
Movie hell hath no fury like a big budget CGI schlockfest. Let me be frank, I didn’t grow up with video games so seeing so many of them be adapted into movies in the modern age, isn’t really aimed at me.
So riddle me why I subjected myself to A Minecraft Movie (directed by Jared Hess) which has the be the most pointless, ugly, sloppy piece of block-shaped trash I’ve seen in a long while. It’s a damn shame this is what will draw in the crowds because it’s fan service at its worst.
Man-child Steve (Jack Black) has dreamed of being a minor all of his life. When he discovers the Orb of Dominance, it transports him to the Overworld where all of his dreams to build can come true. However, evil is afoot when Malgosha (Rachel House), a pig ruler, threatens Steve’s new world. He sends his faithful pooch back to reality to conceal the orb.
Years later, siblings Natalie (Emma Myers) and Henry (Sebastian Hansen) move to the town of Chuglass. The two meet their realtor Dawn (Danielle Brooks) who just wants to run a petting zoo and a local video game owner Garrett (Jason Momoa) who lives in a perpetual 80s fantasy. Henry discovers that Garrett has found what we know as the Orb of Dominance and this in turn leads Henry, Garret, Natalie and Dawn into the Overworld. There, they meet with Steve and hatch a plan to save the world.
Meanwhile, one of the citizens of the Overworld has escaped and forms a romantic liaison with Henry’s Vice Principal Marlene (Jennifer Coolidge).
Readers, my brain melted writing all of that. I didn’t grow up playing Minecraft so most of this, if not all of it, went way over my head. However, I can safely say that this has dialogue that felt like it was written by children who had to make sure there were callouts to the game and references only the faithful would understand.
No offense to most of the actors in this movie, but the characters of Natalie and Dawn really feel out of place in this, that I forgot they were part of the larger thing. The best character with lines that were actually good was Jennifer Coolidge and they kept editing her out so quickly. That’s the story I need!
On top of script issues, holy cow, was this ugly to look at. I get it. How can you make a Minecraft movie look real? You really can’t. You have to use the extensive blue screen to make the world around you look like the video game, but even the human characters feel so out of place. I cannot wait for the behind the scenes footage to come out to see how they worked with such extensive graphics.
Will everybody love A Minecraft Movie? Probably not. But at least, there’s some hope for diehard fans. My particular audience was very quiet throughout the entire movie, so I never quiet picked up on the vibes there until they clapped in the end and I gave a long sigh that I had reached a boss battle I couldn’t win.
Christian Ramos is a classic film fan, having had the dream to host Turner Classic Movies for years now. He also has a large amount of Oscar trivia in his head, remembers dressing as Groucho Marx one Halloween, and cherishes the moment Julianne Moore liked his tweet.
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