[Rating: Rock Fist Way, Way Down]
Spoiler alert: The Children of the Corn remake is not good. I repeat: the remake of the 1984 horror “classic,” a movie that in and of itself was already not a very good movie, is also not good. It’s awful. It’s actually pretty hard to watch. It’s no surprise this all-new Children of the Corn movie has been sitting on a dusty shelf for at least three years.
Based on the 1977 Stephen King short story, this re-make-boot-quel is set in Nebraska, where we meet a bunch of psycho kids who decide to overthrow the adult patriarchy because the adults are responsible for making an ill-advised deal with a toxic chemical corporation that has led to the death of their crops and soon, the end of their town.
Also it starts with a teenager going into a day care and killing some people and holding others hostage for some reason. And for also some reason the po-pos in the town decide to pump all dangerous chemicals into the building and just kill everyone. For reasons, apparently. Also, it’s the same chemical that killed the crops.
Or something like that.
This movie is technically a prequel, but these kids are already unhinged before they know the adults f*cked up and decide retribution and a new-kid order is the only thing that will save the town. The adults don’t even seem to fight back. Why not? They all get rounded up offscreen, and apparently pretty willingly. Then they just kinda stand around and weep until the kids can find a way to kill them.
It’s not all bad, I guess, since there are two performances that stand out. The head crazy kid in charge is Eden (Kate Moyer), the only survivor of the mass murder that opens the flick. She bulls through her roll with a ‘don’t fuck with me’ smirk but the script doesn’t give her much to work with outside making grandiose speeches that bear little weight. Then there is the one kid who doesn’t hear the demon corn whispers, Bo (Elena Kampouris), who does her best to navigate the script that doesn’t know if it wants to be a scary movie or an environmental PSA. It’s not good at being either one.
Directed by Kurt Wimmer (the Point Break remake, the Total Recall remake), this 11th or whatever version just never finds a groove, nor does it deliver any reason for existence. Too often it departs from the short-story source material. It’s almost like ‘hey if you wanted to make a movie about a monster that lives in the fields of Nebraska, just make something new’! But that never happens. The Children of the Corn name can’t seriously hold that much equity. Plus, diverting from religious zealots in the midwest to more of an environmental issue may have felt like the right decision in a pitch meeting, but the movie never sticks with its own morals.
The movie also commits the cardinal sin of showing too much. Look, a demon whispering to the children from the cornfield and getting them to commit unspeakable acts is pretty terrifying. Just don’t show the monster. Please, don’t show the monster. But they do. And it does nothing for the climax of the film.
Don’t get me wrong, the creature looks great, but it also isn’t necessary and ultimately comes off as kinda goofy. Just remember filmmakers, sometimes what you don’t see is scarier even if you know someone who is really, really good at creature effects.
Lover of movies and tacos. Ad man. Author. Member of the Kansas City Film Critics Circle and the Broadcast Film Critics Association. Founder of the Terror on the Plains Horror Festival. Creator and voice of the Reel Hooligans podcast.
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